It’s hard to believe that only a few years ago I was so ‘consciously unaware’ of so much of what makes me, me, and all that makes my life ‘extraordinary’. Of course, that’s not to say that I never suspected my uniqueness.
I know what you’re probably thinking. “Extraordinary? Unique? What makes you so special?” We all know these words as typically positive. But to be highly sensitive is seldom perceived as positive, let alone remotely ‘special’. The contrary is true or at least has been for a very long time.
Great leaders are oftentimes viewed as what Dr. Elaine Aron classified as the ‘Warrior type’. They are physically strong, fearless and if anything hypo-sensitive or less sensitive than ‘the average person’, as would make sense in engaging in traditional combat. Side note: I’ll be referencing Dr. Elaine Aron consistently throughout this blog; she’s a psychologist and self-proclaimed HSP, also namely the writer of The Highly Sensitive Person – my first own biblical point of reference. Highly sensitive folk, in a similar setting, are better suited as ‘the Advisor’ types. This comes down to our acute perception, never missing a detail in our environments, in people and in ourselves – trusting our own influential intuitions. A great example, for my fellow Game of Thrones fans; is Tyrion Lannister as the potential HSP, and Jamie Lannister as the Warrior. At least the leaders of Westeros realised Tyrion’s immense value as a highly observant advisor to aide alongside them and provide the strategies behind the politics of war.
If Tyrion was a Highly Sensitive Person, I’m sure he had many occasions, in which he compared himself with his warrior brother and all the other warriors that surrounded him, growing in a world dominated by brute strength. Though we don’t currently live in a 100th century medieval monarchy, unfortunately sensitivity is not a typical trait of strength – whether that be physical, psychological or emotional. Sensitivity is often typically seen as synonymous with femininity, and if you don’t know the history and progression of femininity and LGBTQI rights then you might be living under a rock. Meanwhile young Tyrion was probably hiding away in a library, reading to distract himself from his own physical and psychological insecurities; making himself even smaller and seemingly insignificant to those around him. Little did he know that he was strengthening his extraordinary and unique traits in the process. (Also, apologies to those unfamiliar with the show).
I was in a similar position growing up with the stigmatised notion of sensitivity. Even those people closest to me would often tell me to “stop being so sensitive” which reinforced the notion that it was my fault that I was ‘overemotional’, and that it was purely a psychological flaw that I ought to grow out of. I was the shy kid who – to put it bluntly – believed that my thoughts and opinions were invalid or at least not of a standard worthy of sharing. My teachers and peers thought I was mute. I was teased for this and sought comfort in my overactive imagination. In my first years of school I was perhaps in one of the most uncomfortable environments where I felt I fit in the least – this was at a snobby Grammar school. Instead of making friends with my fellow peers, I remember playing on the playground alone – reenacting my favourite childhood movies such as The Little Mermaid, picking up ladybugs as pets and simply wandering on my lonesome. From the playground-turned-ship I waved on to my imaginary Mer-siblings (??) who in my mind, begged me to do whatever it takes to rejoin them by regaining my fin. It was too late.
I didn’t need friends – or so I thought. This adventure was as real to me in my mind and that’s all I needed. Of course given the nature of childhood, it’s easy to imagine all kids to be in the same boat – no pun intended. But there were other times, many many other times, that garnered my decisive points of difference.
As for physical sensitivity – well it’s quite hard to differentiate your tolerance compared to that of another’s – especially when you’re young. I find a great comparison is that of someone who’s born colourblind. To them the colours they perceive (or lack thereof) is simply how the world looks, no ifs or buts. It’s hard to understand anything different, perhaps until they are mature enough to really talk to another or to find themselves in situations in which their senses are contrasted with another’s (believe me these situations are unique in and of themselves).
There were other things too. I felt a perpetual strange conflict within myself that truly made me feel crazy. Upon entering adolescence, I finally found myself in a more comfortable environment. I felt that I could relate to my peers – that I could belong. I finally came to the understanding that my thoughts and opinions were valid and that it’s okay to voice them after an eternity of my routine, pre-emptive overthinking. From the ‘mute’ 5-12-year-old, like the flick of a switch, I became the hyperactive 15-year-old who ran around flirting with all the boys (the demographic I felt most comfortable with) rather than the swaths of bitchy teenage girls. It was like all that built up energy from my childhood had erupted into an overabundance of teenage excitement. I have a theory that having said so little earlier in life has continually allowed me an overabundance of things I need to share with the world – to this very day. Perhaps that’s why I’m writing this and feel the need to write to express myself.
Like any healthy teen I was excitedly discovering new things about myself everyday. What started to puzzle me however, was my eagerness to experiment on the riskier side, my willingness to seek out thrills and adventure and challenge and adrenaline. This was completely contrasted with my continual (what was still seemingly subconscious) low threshold for sensory stimulation. How could I actively, voluntarily seek out stimulating circumstances, and then ever-so-often turn around and say hang on a minute, this all feels a bit much?
This strange conundrum continued into adulthood and naturally, brought with it a plethora of tricky situations, often landing me in hot water. In more recent years, I started suspecting that perhaps a myriad of mental health issues were to blame. Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD to name a few. Hell, I truly had thoughts that I was downright crazy.
It wasn’t until 1. I perpetually thrust myself into an immensely unsettling set of circumstances (2018 – ’19), and 2. I discovered what now is my Holy scripture; the collective works of Dr. Elaine Aron, that I could – I don’t know if diagnose is the proper terminology but for the sake of the argument let’s go with it – ‘diagnose’ myself as a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP for short). As for my sensation-seeking nature, I’m also what Aron defines as a High Sensation Seeker (or HSS). I’m sure you can already see how this makes for one hell of a journey. Well, that journey is my life, and I’m here to share it with you all. I’m also here to shed light and raise the absolute deserving awareness that HSPs (and HSS’) require in 2022 (and beyond). In doing so, I believe I can play my part in potentially eliminating the everlasting stigma of HSP’s, that I’ve battled my entire life. This is ultimate goal numero uno. I think you as readers will play a huge part in that too. Ultimate goal #2 is to consequently unite fellow HSP’s, because unfortunately I haven’t ever had a candid and open discussion with another HSP – which is a crying shame – and I think that stigma is to blame for this.
So let’s talk as candidly and honestly as possible. It might be confronting at the best of times, but I’m all here for it. I want you to understand all the ways in which I live an extraordinary, unique and special life as an HSP (/HSS) and all the ways that those points of different don’t need to be perceived as flaws. I feel the need to share my journey as to raise awareness as one of the whopping 20% of the population that experiences some degree of high sensitivity. The first step is to change the dialogue surrounding this. I would go so far as to say this is a gift I was born with. Positive and encouraging language is the first of many steps I will proactively implement on my journey here. But that’s not to say I won’t explore the nitty and the gritty – because there is a hell of a lot of that to come. There are many ugly and unfavourable experiences I’ve lived through that I will share without compromise. I want you to hear it all. I wholeheartedly hope that you, fellow HSP or otherwise, can benefit from this too.
myhsplife 